Hey everyone! Welcome to my blog, where I am kicking off my reaction series to the last novel I published 7 years ago on my 12th birthday, the second edition of The Secret of the Old Factory.
This reaction series will give me a chance to reflect on my last published novel, breaking it down critically, and also give you writing advice based on issues that I failed to properly adhere to.
In this case: I’ll be discussing scene and sequel structure after the commentary of the chapter.
And also give you updates on what I’m working on at the end of the post!
Reminder: here is the description of the novel:
Holy cow! There is a dangerous intruder on the loose, and he is up to no good! To capture him, a group of young detectives, led by October Johnson has set out to pursue him across the country as they take advantage of the clues he leaves behind. This is a story of high speed and high humor, written by pre-teen author, Godwin Okojie II. October Johnson: The Secret of the Old Factory is sure to keep you at the edge of your seat!
Let’s get into it!
FULL CHAPTER with commentary
“Whew, what warm air!” October Johnson remarked as he walked in the door. The dark-haired, slender eighteen-and-a-half-year-old had returned from a crisp walk in the unseasonably warm, Florida November weather. It was a great day – a welcomed break from his normally busy life.
Okay, tell much? I certainly hope we get to see October’s “normally busy life” before the inciting incident.
So far nothing strange had occurred, and October Johnson had only been gone for about 10 minutes. He walked through his street, made a left at Greenwood Street, and a right at 5th Avenue. Finally, he was home. October quickly went toward his father’s spacious study and called out, “Hi, Dad!”
Jason Johnson, in his mid-thirties, looked up from a law book that he had started an hour ago from the Mayville Library. “Oh, hi. What’s up?”
Ok, I definitely should have made October’s dad older.
“Nothing much. Have you got a mystery for me?”
“No, but I’m sure something will turn up. Not too soon, though. By the way, I got a book for you at the store in Miami. It’s called Detective Skills and Tips. I’m sure you will be very interested.”
What a convenient solution!
October’s dad handed him the black-covered book, and his son beamed in admiration. “Gosh, this sounds like a good book.” He left and said good-bye, turning toward his room.
Excitedly, October dashed up the steps, excited to begin digging through his newfound treasure. He scrambled into his room and sat on his bed.
He skimmed through the pages, stopping a few times to read different topics of interest until something caught his attention. In this little book was a section called, How to Find A Mystery. It read: “To find a mystery, first look in your backyard! Patrol carefully and….” He snapped his fingers. “Patrolling the backyard! Wow! Why didn’t I think of that!”
Again, how very convenient that October just so happens to find this exact solution so semi-quickly! This is how I wrote that October is going to find a mystery?
And I hope I put an actual reason why October wants to find a mystery. Because last I checked, you don’t find mysteries. Mysteries find you!
October hurried outside his room, dashing toward the stairs. Halfway to the backyard door, he met his mother, Cassandra Johnson who was cooking in the kitchen.
Why didn’t October’s mom get a description?
“Good afternoon, Mom. Are you making what I think you are making?”
“I’m making a grilled cheese sandwich for you. How was your walk?”
“Pretty decent. I’m going outside to patrol the backyard. I’ll come back in an hour or so.”
“Well, be careful. Patrolling can be dangerous if you’re not…”
October pushed his way to the door while she was still speaking.
Ok, that’s just rude. Where are your manners, sir?
As he ran outside, he promised that he would be careful. The wind blew his curls, but that didn’t matter. He stepped off the porch, climbed into his tree house which he built 2 years ago, and glanced high from above.
“D’oh! I forgot my binoculars! And it’s in my bag! And I left my bag in the car! Ok, I’ll be right back.”
He descended from the tree house and ambled into the house. His mom had left the kitchen, so she did not notice that he came back inside.
He hurried into the laundry room and opened the door which led outside. October walked quickly toward his car and unlocked the door. He opened the door, reached toward the bag, and abruptly yanked out his binoculars. He closed the door and locked the car, but before he did that, also got his bag.
“I never know when I might need it.” He chuckled.
Suddenly, he was surprised to see a dark figure, creeping toward the backyard gate!
“Oh my goodness!” October cried out, alarmed. “He must be toward the backyard! I must stop him! Stop!” he said aloud to the figure.
The intruder merely turned but did not heed October’s order. October was becoming a bit annoyed.
Not nearly as annoyed as I am that October’s first move was to tell the intruder to stop, or that the only description of this intruder is “a dark figure.”
The figure opened the gate frantically but, to October’s relief, did not close it. He ran toward the gate, went inside it quickly, then closed it.
October ran to the middle of the backyard but, to his chagrin, did not see the intruder. With a sudden idea, he ascended the ladder of his tree house and went inside. Putting the binoculars to his eyes, a look of horror spread across October’s face.
The intruder was holding a rocket!
“Sufferin’ Sarasota!” October put the binoculars down in alarm. “If I don’t stop that creep from firing the rocket……” He dared not to complete the harrowing thought. He climbed down frantically toward the intruder, but the intruder had gone off.
“Never mind that…right I must de…” October uttered a cry of surprise. It was a false rocket!
Suddenly, he heard voices coming from outside.
“David W! George! Aidan! Chase! Jake! What the dickens are you doing here?”
They were October’s closest friends.
“I got a little bored,” admitted dark-brown-haired, eighteen-and-a-half-year-old George McStevenson.
“The thing is,” quipped seventeen-year-old Chase Norwell, “we were a little forced to go.”
“Did you see a dark figure?”
“I think I did,” chimed in auburn-haired nineteen-year-old Aidan Johnson. “It passed by. I think it was heading for Stateman Park.”
WHAT? Aidan, how the clob do you know that?!
“That old heap?” I scoffed, also nineteen but dark-haired. It hadn’t been occupied for about 5 years. “Why would that creep go there?”
Good question. Better question is: how in the world did the intruder get that far?! His car wasn’t shown, so did he take a clobbin’ Uber or something?
It’s only been a few seconds, so how far did he run?
October related his experience and showed everyone the false indirect.
Blond-haired, eighteen-year-old David Wayne whistled. “Wow! That guy must have been trying to confuse you. But why?”
We headed to Stateman Park, but on the way, George spotted tire tracks.
Let me break down this travesty of a sentence right now. Let me get this straight…six teenagers just decide to go to a park…
…a location one of them conveniently happens to know and is questioned very little about it…
…that an intruder who broke into one of their backyard and left behind a false rocket…
…WITHOUT A SINGLE ON-PAGE CONVERSATION OF WHAT TO DO AND WHO TO CALL (LIKE THE POLICE OR AT LEAST OCTOBER’S PARENTS) OR EVEN A CLOBBIN’ DISAGREEMENT OVER THE LIKE?
What, do they have a psychic link that you forgot to mention, 12-year-old me?
WHY WOULD YOU SKIP OVER SUCH AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER-DEVELOPING PLOT-POINT-SETTING MOMENT?! ARE YOU CLOBBING KIDDING ME?!
Sigh. We’re in for a painful ride, ladies and gentlemen.
“They must lead to the intruder. Well, here’s Stateman Park. It’s right there.”
October groaned at the pun, but turned toward him.
NOT A PUN OR THE TIME.
We arrived at the park, and when he got there, October gasped.
“There’s the intruder! He’s holding a bomb!”
WHAT WAS UP WITH THIS CHAPTER? aka ANALYSIS AND REVIEW
Oh, boy. We’re already in for a rough start.
Chapter 1. What a bland beginning.
Not only do not all of the characters have interesting introductions, but also this chapter introduces a fundamental writing issue that (SPOILER ALERT) continues to be prevalent throughout the rest of the novel.
What is that issue, you may ask? I didn’t fully understand or even know PROPER SCENE AND SEQUEL STRUCTURE.
For those of you who don’t know, scenes are divided into divided into 2 parts: scenes and sequels.
Scenes are divided into:
1. goal (what MC wants)
2. conflict (what gets in the way),
3. disaster/outcome (does the MC get what they want, and what happens as a result).
Sequels are divided into:
- Reaction (how MC responds emotionally),
2. Dilemma (MC weighs options on what to do next),
3. Decision (what MC decides as a result.)
AND THAT’S THE MOST BASIC STYLE OF SCENE STRUCTURE! I know a lot more about scene structure than this, which honestly makes scenes and chapters even worse than they already are.
How does this apply to chapter 1?
Well, all elements of the SCENE portion were there.
But as for the sequel….the REACTION was so short, and the DILEMMA part of the sequel was COMPLETELY CLOBBING MISSING! I skipped right over to the decision, which led to the inciting incident cliffhanger that is the end of the chapter.
How to avoid this:
Make sure that your sequels are given enough time for characters to react, process, and weigh their options for that they can make good decisions that make the most sense of the story at the time.
WHAT I’M WORKING ON UPDATE:
I’m in the process of preparing to write a new draft for a new book 1 and a NEW first draft for book 2 in the October Johnson series both in November.
I’m completely rewriting, rebooting, and retooling the series because I have a completely new vision that I have been shaping for the last few years now!
CONCLUSION
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this reaction post. Thank you so much for reading this! I know it’s longer than what you were expecting!
Feel free to comment below! Did you like this reaction post? Did you not? Do I have a lot of work to do?
Have you ever reread something you wrote years ago? What was your biggest reaction—pride, embarrassment, or a mix of both?
Just share any and all thoughts that you have below!
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s reaction post, where I react to Chapter 2, which I have a lot to say. I might not even be able to keep it in just one post, but we’ll see!
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