Hello, everyone! Welcome back to my reaction of my own novel, the Secret of the Old Factory, where I am going to react to Chapter 3, The Fire at a Nearby House, where we pick up where we left off after the intruder shows up in the middle of the road, threatens the group to get out of Lark Cowl, and then runs off.
Let’s get into it!
“Suffering sea crabs! We don’t even know about the
mystery yet, and we’ve already had a bomb thrownat us, scared into bushes and humiliated at a shop-
ping mall, and now we are being threatened – all by the same man!” I exclaimed.
How does Jake know that they’re being threatened? October hasn’t gone to the car yet.
“Good grief! It’s going to be tough being in Lark Cowl,”
October cried, as he adjusted his new hat on his head. He walked toward to his convertible, and went off.
Maybe I should have put more description or a bit more body language to the scene if I knew how back then.
“Boy, that man got on our nerves,” George fumed.
“What the dickens are we going to do?”
“Just keep calm. If we’re going to go to Mrs. Gridbes’
house, we can’t be angry,” October told us.
WHAT?! Mrs. Gridbes wasn’t mentioned in the previous two chapters. What is going on?!
NOTE: NEW CHARACTERS SHOULD BE INTRODUCED CAREFULLY, WITH PROPER SET-UP!
Exiting the highway, we went to Heath Street toward
Mrs. Gridbes’ house.
George sniffed. “Man, what a smell! Is Mrs. Gridbes
cooking or something?”
“Well, it doesn’t smell like she’s cooking hot from the
oven, that’s for sure!” October exclaimed.
“And how! It smells like smoke!” Chase remarked.
There should be less dialogue and especially less CASUAL dialogue and more description. Show, don’t tell!
At a nearby street, October took Eulesse Road, where
the smoke was coming from, and scarcely had he reached there when he shouted, “Jeez Louise! There’s a fire!”
He drove up frantically toward the house, pressing the
horn to see if there were any people in the burning house.
“By jingo! There’s no one inside!” October exclaimed
excitedly.
Ok, firstly, maybe “excitedly” was the wrong word to use here. Secondly, what evidence do you have that there’s no one inside?
“This must be an abandoned house,” George remarked.
We got out of October’s black convertible and rushed
frantically toward the burning house.
“Oh, there’s probably no one inside,” October remarked
optimistically.
We got inside and toward the backyard.
“Quick, there’s some water pails!” October shouted.
“Get them!”
October and his friends threw water on the whole
house, inside to outside.
No, no, no, no. What on earth are they doing? They should be calling the authorities and the fire department! Firefighting isn’t supposed to be that easy!
“Do you think we should explore it?” October asked.
“Well, that makes sense,” George replied, grinning.
We nodded.
Firstly, that’s poor characterization. You’re telling me not one person objected to exploring a house that allegedly does not have fire?
Second of all, see the previous interjection.
“Do you think the stranger from the road who
threatened us set the fire?” October asked.
“I doubt it,” remarked George.
After the smoke cleared, we entered into the house
and gasped. This place was a mansion!
Ok, how much time passed before all of the smoke cleared and what were the boys doing during this time? Were they just standing around doing absolutely nothing?
“Hypers!” breathed George.
“I don’t believe it!” exclaimed October.
“Great Saturn!” Chase exclaimed.
“Such a pity for this place to be burned down,” added
October.
“Pity, and how! Let’s check if no one’s inside,” Aidan
said.
The mansion had delicate walls and doors, elegantly
streaming with galore.
“This mansion is beautiful,” George remarked.
We found nothing.
“Well, let’s face it, no one’s HEEEEEEEEERE…’’
October fell into a hole in the floor of the house.
“October!” George cried frantically. “Where are you?”
“I’m in the basement, or at least I think I am. It’s really
dark in here. I dropped my flashlight down to October.
George said. “Guys! October’s over here!”
David, Chase, Aidan, and George dashed over.
We looked down at October in relief.
“What the dickens happened?” Aidan blurted out.
October repeated his story.
“Gosh! Are you hurt?” Aidan asked anxiously.
“No,” October replied. “Wait a minute, this place is amazing!”
Aidan threw another flashlight down the hole, and he
and the others came down.
October pointed the flashlight around the hole. It was
a basement.
“Yowza!” Aidan exclaimed, using his favorite expression.
“This place is pretty interesting,” George remarked in awe.
“Think we might find clues?” Chase put in.
October shrugged.
We searched around the basement. Suddenly, October
put a surprised expression on his face.
“Good night, look at this!”
“A fingerprint!” breathed George.
“It must’ve been made from the intruder,” October said.
The discovery of the fingerprint is abrupt and lacks build-up. Where did they find it? What makes them think it’s from the intruder? These details are crucial for the reader.
Suddenly a blow crashed on Aidan, and hands grabbed
him from behind. It was the intruder!
Firstly, there was barely any buildup to this.
Secondly, why would the intruder stick around and be ALONE if he’s just going to kidnap one of them?
“Hey, let me go!” Aidan exclaimed, kicking and fighting
to get out of his grasp.
“How do we keep running into this guy? How does
he keep finding us?” There was no answer to October’s
frantic questions. Suddenly, October dove for the intruder, who dodged. Then, October quickly picked himself up off the floor after diving into an old table. The intruder was still holding Aidan in his arms. The boys stood in stunned silence. They had never seen October fight so hard. Dodging a chair, October jumped off of a bookshelf, and lunged into the intruder. Aidan fell across the room, free from the intruder. Then as hard as he could, with one blow, October punched the intruder’s chin. It was a violent moment that seemed to last forever. October collapsed to the floor. The
boys rushed to his aid. The intruder ran away.
The fact that October has some knowledge of how to fight makes Chapter 1 and by extension Chapter 2 even worse. Why didn’t he do this when the intruder was in his backyard?
“After him!” October commanded, not accepting help
from his friends.
They ran out of the basement through the house, and
into the front yard, but they lost the intruder.
“Oh, hypers!” George exploded. “Why did we have to
lose him when we were so close?”
“Maybe it’s because you were just standing there
scared, while me and October were fighting for our lives,” Aidan said.
October stated, “Everyone stop. It’s not the time for
blaming. Now that everything’s checked, let’s go to Mrs.
Gridbes’ house.”
This abrupt transition from a fight to just moving on feels unrealistic. The characters don’t process what just happened, which undercuts the scene’s impact.
NANCY DREW/THB ELEMENT: This chapter was directly taken from the first chapter of the Clue of the Old Diary, the revised version.
- Why NANCY DREW DID IT BETTER: Nancy and her friends actually take the fire seriously, and they don’t try to put out the fire themselves because they know they can’t. Nancy tells Bess and George to notify the neighbors and the fire department, just like October should have done. It also doesn’t help that the first chapter is 11 pages and the “fire” part of the Clue of the Old Diary, while my chapter is only 5 pages long, with a lot more going on than in the Clue in the Old Diary chapter.
Writing Takeaway: Don’t Sacrifice Depth for Action
In reflecting on Chapter 3 of The Fire at a Nearby House, the biggest takeaway is the importance of balancing action with character depth and description.
While I packed a lot of events into this chapter, I neglected to explore how the characters felt, what they thought, and how their surroundings influenced them. Action without emotional stakes becomes forgettable; it’s the small moments of introspection, fear, and tension that make a story memorable.
For any writers out there, remember: slow down in the right moments—let your characters breathe, let the scene unfold, and trust that readers will appreciate the depth you add.
Thanks for reading my reaction to Chapter 3! If you have any questions or thoughts, drop them in the comments—I’d love to hear from you. Did I miss anything that stood out to you? What would you have done differently with this scene?
Stay tuned for next Tuesday’s reaction blogpost on Chapter 4- Arriving at Mrs. Gridbes’ House!
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